Author(s): Boris Starling

Humour

The Haynes Manual is one of publishing's most famous and enduring icons. More than 200 million copies have been sold, covering everything from Austin Allegros to Zombie Survival.Now Haynes is sending itself up in a fabulously amusing and brilliantly-observed new format. Haynes Explains are compact guides to four major stages of life: babies, teenagers, marriage and pensioners. Based on the classic 'stripdown and rebuild' outline, and using original Haynes lines drawings, these books are perfect gifts or stocking fillers. 'Nine months is also the time it takes to reach Mars from Earth. There will be occasions when a ticket to the Red Planet will seem a pretty decent swap.'The aim of Haynes Explains Babies is to help you get the best value from your new offspring. It can help you (a) decide what work must be done (b) tackle this work yourself, though you may choose to have much of it performed by external contractors such as a grandparent, a nanny, or That Woman Down The Road Who Only Charges A Fiver An Hour.Sections include:* Assembly & Production (pregnancy & birth).* Fuel (feeding). 'When your baby has drunk enough, he may well pass out on the bar, still in situ. This is excellent practice for his university years.'* Emission Control Systems (wind).* Transportation Methods (seats, slings & strollers). 'When your baby starts to misbehave, you can use a playpen. Playpens are nice and safe. When your baby's calmed down, you can climb out again.'* Pit Stops (nappy changing).* Routine Maintenance (illnesses & vaccinations). 'Parents may also voluntarily inject themselves with small doses of something harmful. In their case, it's called Botox.'